Goodbyetime

Sometimes I have moments where I realize I'm grown up. Like I'll be twenty one next year. When did that happen?! It seems so long ago that I counted out the years until I would be able to drink alcohol for the very first time (Uhhh.) But now I can't even say that I'm a teenager anymore. Assuming I'll live to be one hundred, the first fifth of my life has passed me by. Yes I wrote that right. One. Fifth.

Today was one of those times when I was hit hard by growing up.

You know that feeling of This will be the last time I'll ever be at this school? Or this is the last time I'll ever play soccer with this team? Recently I've asked myself, Is it better to know it's the last or to not know? I've had moments where I know it'll be the last, and I don't even know what to do with myself. Take a picture? Write a letter to myself? I don't know. How do you capture all of these mixed thoughts and emotions? I guess it's nice to know it's the last time when when you're moving on to bigger and better things. I know that leaving something for the last time isn't all too difficult when you see the bright and shining new road ahead of you. I can appreciate the experience and respect the past with a sense of hope for the future. 

But what about for the things you're sad to leave? This is the last time I'll be in this pool. This is the last time I'll sit at this kitchen counter. This is the last time I'll relax in this bed. I think that these are the toughest moments of life. When you realize all the history and experiences and time spent here will now just be memories. No matter how much I want it or how much I miss it, I can never go back to that time or place. Ever.

For me, growing up isn't my first day of preschool, my first goal, or my first best friend. I know I'm growing up when I walk off my middle school campus for the last time, play my last soccer game, and say goodbye to my best friends.

Today I learned that the first times may be milestones to remember, but it's the last times that are my life turning points.