Extime

Recently, for some reason, I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships. I guess part of it has to do with my single-ness and the increasing number of friends who have chosen the not-single lifestyle. I find couples both disgusting and endearing. I cannot walk past a googly-eyed couple at work, clutching each other's hands desperately without gagging a little. But once in a while, I'll seat a couple who are in love at that moment. They don't have to show it. It's the little ways in which they interact that give it away. When it's genuine, I admire. But never for long because in the back of my head, some aching feeling reminds me that it's not forever.

When I think about past boys, I see myself maturing. I've had the relationship where I wasn't really myself- I was more of the person I thought he would like. I was too entertained by the idea of being liked to really ask myself, do I like him too? And on the opposite side, I've had a boy where I was perhaps too honest. Is that a thing? Too honest? I think for some people, my level of honesty can be a little intimidating. In the end, I left these guys scarred. Not scared, but scarred. I think they were both more attracted to the idea of me than actual me, but for them, I don't think I make a pleasant memory. 

No matter what I do, one guy I can't seem to shake. There's been one instance where I was more invested than he. It's a sad place to be- that place where you've been left behind. I know that both he and I have lived our lives, but somehow, I feel as if I'm the one waiting. Still hoping to get that phone call one morning, saying he's in town and wants to catch up over a cup of coffee. It's a tragic hopelessness that never relents.

Maybe it's because he's one of the first people I ever met that was different like me. Or maybe I feel lonely and can only think of the boy who made me feel not alone. Either way, I know it's useless to pine. And thus, I've emotionally grown up. I've grown up and am finally proud of myself for becoming independent of my family and friends. I know what's important to me and what kind of person I want to be in this world. I think of who I was and who I am now and am proud of myself. I may not have my life perfectly together, but I'm confident in who I've become.

Youtubetime

1. Matt Harvey asks New Yorkers about Matt Harvey : I love surprising people- this is too funny

2. Ways to Go- Grouplove : Fun song, sounds awesome, music video is a bit strange, loving the hint of macarena in it

3. Hero Teen finds Abducted Girl : Beyond awesome. Makes me want to do something good.

Guilttime

Out of all the emotions, I hate guilt the most. It just sucks altogether. I hate being the recipient and I also don't care to be the "guilterer". It's a dirty emotion that almost always implies ulterior motives and/or forcing someone into doing something that they don't innately want to do. 

Now of course this doesn't just come out of no where. I didn't decide to blog about my least favorite emotion for kicks and gigs, but I just don't want to indulge in the story. It makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty. 

I am a person of reason. If you can clearly explain your thoughts and argument behind an idea, I can at least respect your position. I may not take your side, but at the end of the day, I won't think less of you. However, if you choose to guilt me into something, a switch will flip within me that cannot ever be changed. You are forever labelled, a guilterer. 

I guess this comes from my recent new motto in life: be straightforward. Don't beat around the bush, don't lie, don't take the easy way, don't sugarcoat it- tell it how it is. Guilt does not follow this rule; ergo, guilt is my own personal anti-Christ.

Oh, and also the fact that guilt will occasionally work on me may, in fact, bias my opinion. 

----

From Grey's Anatomy- "You're my person"

Crunchtime

The last week has been stressful. I've started to realize how close August 18th is and how I really need to get a hold on this student visa thing. As a result, I've started to feel the pressure considering I need over a month for the visa to process. After coming up short regarding my paperwork in Los Angeles, I found emails yesterday further explaining why my student visa application is incomplete, adding to my mentally and emotionally strained week. 

But finally, I've had a moment of hope. The woman who works at the consulate went through every document and explained why each of them was wrong and what I needed to fix. This form didn't have a city, this form was illegible, and you need to send your transcripts. Stressful, don't get me wrong, but nothing too outrageous. At the end of the call, she confusedly asked me when I would be leaving for Belgium. I responded accordingly and I think I heard her confusion over the phone.

"The student visa only takes a few days to process, why are you in such a rush?"

Never had I heard such beautiful words. I relayed my thanks and quickly hung up the phone before crying of joy. After reading over and over again about how it takes over a month to get a student visa, a week sounded like music to my ears. 

In celebration, I'm recording things that have made me happy recently:
1. I'm starting to learn French. I'm not great but hopefully this will give me a little bit of a head start before taking French 101.
2. I'm making money. Considering all I've done this summer is work and shop, I'm doing pretty well for myself.
3. I bought three JCrew bathing suit pieces. This one is a little bittersweet because I know I should be saving my money for more practical, Europe-friendly apparel but these pieces are so stinkin' cute.
4. I've been eating healthy and exercising. All I drink nowadays are smoothies and actually pretty delicious. I use strawberries, bananas, mango, orange juice, yogurt, and then some kale and spinach. Yes the drink turns out green in the end, but in a way it almost makes it seem healthier.
5. I've fallen in love. Okay, well I've only met him a few days ago and I've spoken like, three words to him, but I'm sure he feels the same way, right? Right, guys?
6. My travel buddy Olga is so down to explore Europe and it makes me super excited to go see castles and museums and festivals.

LAtime

Once again I find myself in LA. I still find it slightly repulsive with only a glimmer in the Beverly Hills direction. This time it was to apply for my student visa at the Belgium consulate. The whole process has been overly painful and I am so done. Except that I'm not. One of the many papers that I needed to collect wasn't perfect because I didn't have the right parent with me. So with a sigh of disappointment, my mother and I left empty-handed to return home. 

Before we left LA though, we crossed the street to tour a bit of the LACMA. As we walked around, I vaguely remembered viewing the museum's ancient Egypt exhibit back in middle school. It reminded me of how much I loved learning of not only ancient Egypt but ancient Greece as well. So much uniqueness of both cultures that fascinated a younger me. 

Next time, I want to go to The Grove

Foodtime

So I've been on this health kick recently, inspired by this chubby guy, and it involves not only exercising more, but also is a lot of healthy eating. I've always been a fairly healthy eater since my mother is a nutritionist which makes it fairly difficult to eat even healthier. However I have identified myself as a boredom/lazy eater! (The first step is always admitting you have a problem, amirite?) This means that I eat whether I'm hungry or not and I eat what's around me when I'm bored. Thankfully this has an easy solution: keep busy and don't buy junk food. If I'm busy, I'll be distracted from my eating tendencies and if I don't have unhealthy food around, I won't eat unhealthy food.

As a result, I've been eating a wider variety of foods that make me feel good physically and mentally. Half of the time for me, eating healthy isn't just about the vitamins and nutrients, but about the positive feeling I get from making healthy decisions.

For example, for breakfast I've been eating non-fat yogurt. The thing is though, plain non-fat yogurt is boring. Instead, I'll mix in bananas, granola, honey (and since I'm such a chocolate addict), I'll throw in some chocolate chips as well. I know that altogether my breakfast isn't the perfect breakfast of champions. But after I tell myself that I could be eating a bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter cereal with a few Pop-Tarts, I start feeling pretty good about my yogurt.

For dinner tonight, I was inspired by a friend to make a tomato and mozzarella salad. I also washed and cut a couple leaves of spinach, sliced a few small peppers, and finally covered the dish with olive oil, salt, and pepper. For a girl whose not a huge fan of vegetables and any meal lacking meat, I quite enjoyed myself and look forward to making it again.

I'm really hoping this health kick doesn't end soon because I'm really liking it. I just need to hold onto this feeling the next time I feel the urge to buy Redvines.

----

Speaking of food, my near and dear friend Shannon literally had me laughing out loud by myself in a Starbucks today after sending me these pictures. I guess you could say she's just starting to learn her way around a kitchen.

"Lightly Toasted Garlic Bread"

"Half-cooked Spaghetti"

----

On a completely unrelated note, here is one of my favorite screenshots from The Office recently.