Extime

Recently, for some reason, I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships. I guess part of it has to do with my single-ness and the increasing number of friends who have chosen the not-single lifestyle. I find couples both disgusting and endearing. I cannot walk past a googly-eyed couple at work, clutching each other's hands desperately without gagging a little. But once in a while, I'll seat a couple who are in love at that moment. They don't have to show it. It's the little ways in which they interact that give it away. When it's genuine, I admire. But never for long because in the back of my head, some aching feeling reminds me that it's not forever.

When I think about past boys, I see myself maturing. I've had the relationship where I wasn't really myself- I was more of the person I thought he would like. I was too entertained by the idea of being liked to really ask myself, do I like him too? And on the opposite side, I've had a boy where I was perhaps too honest. Is that a thing? Too honest? I think for some people, my level of honesty can be a little intimidating. In the end, I left these guys scarred. Not scared, but scarred. I think they were both more attracted to the idea of me than actual me, but for them, I don't think I make a pleasant memory. 

No matter what I do, one guy I can't seem to shake. There's been one instance where I was more invested than he. It's a sad place to be- that place where you've been left behind. I know that both he and I have lived our lives, but somehow, I feel as if I'm the one waiting. Still hoping to get that phone call one morning, saying he's in town and wants to catch up over a cup of coffee. It's a tragic hopelessness that never relents.

Maybe it's because he's one of the first people I ever met that was different like me. Or maybe I feel lonely and can only think of the boy who made me feel not alone. Either way, I know it's useless to pine. And thus, I've emotionally grown up. I've grown up and am finally proud of myself for becoming independent of my family and friends. I know what's important to me and what kind of person I want to be in this world. I think of who I was and who I am now and am proud of myself. I may not have my life perfectly together, but I'm confident in who I've become.